Wentworth <3

(no subject)

Growing up is a really odd thing.

While applying to colleges and writing essay after essay about my ideas and beliefs and morals and dreams, I've really started to think about who I am. Take away my friends, take away my school, take away my family and my computer and the television-- who am I?

To be honest, I've actually liked what I've realized. That's a completely new sensation for me-- being proud of myself. I guess the election inspired a lot of this self-realization of mine; it made me determine how I feel about things, what I'm passionate about, and to some point, what I'd give my life for.

On the 15th I went to a national protest to fight the passage of Proposition 8 in California. It was honestly one of the best experiences of my life, even though I was only there an hour or so-- the hunt for a parking spot in university-territory was far more difficult than we anticipated. Suddenly I was surrounded by people who felt just as passionate as I did, but they weren't angry. That's a big issue I've been struggling to overcome-- being angry at those-- that I feel-- are against freedom and acceptance. Here I was getting so upset over issues like gay rights, and here are over two-hundred people, most of them gay themselves, happy and proud and ready to fight-- but not with anger. Not with hatred. Not with vengence. It was really such a good thing for me to see and experience. It was so incredible, especially those people.

I've become so much more in-tune with my political beliefs, which I really think plays a huge part in shaping who you are. Its also a part of growing up, I think-- making the change from an oblivious teenage girl to a conscious, caring adult. At least, I hope I've started to make that transition.

Again, growing up is odd. I look back at one of my best friends from when I was younger, a girl that has now changed completely. She's had sex, had no-strings-attached relationships, smoked, drank, wants to have more sex, dates older boys-- and shes a year younger than me. It may be 'common' or 'cool,' but that's somehting I still cant bring myself to respect. Maybe I'm a prude, maybe I don't like change, but... well, I'm happy Im not like that. In a way, I'm happy I don't WANT to accept that. I don't know if thats bitchy of me, or something, but I just cant do it. I see who she was and I see who she seems to have become, and I can't help thinking about how stupid I think she is. Its probably harsh. Maybe I should lighten up?

Still, I don't want to. I'm proud of the fact that I am nothing like her, and I'm proud of the fact that most of my friends today are nothing like her. She likes to say its all because she's curious. I say its because she's stupid.

Its mean. Its probably wrong of me. But still, I cant help but feel like its just the truth.

And, well, I just think she's a slut, pretty much.

Is that wrong? Honestly, is it? Am I just way too uptight about sex? Am I wrong? Is the whole 'well everyone else is doing it, and I've always been naturally curious' excuse... not an excuse, but actual intelligent reasoning? Obviously its an area in which I still have a lot of growing up to do. Mind you, I won't be 'growing up' byt hopping into bed with some older guy after a party, but maybe its just childish for me to think the way I do.

And then I look back to what I used to be in middle school, even my early years of high school, and see all the things that haven't changed. I write every day. I love to read, but still never have time. I can't type correctly to save my life; my fingers are still too fast to ever get it right. I still love blue, I still hate pasta.

But now I have a better idea of knowing who I am. I know who I'm not and who I don't want to become. I know what sort of friends I want. I guess the most important thing Ive discovered are my political beliefs. It's helped me open my eyes to different people and different worlds hat have always existed, and to a part of myself I didn't know was there. My passion for certain issues surprises me, though I am so, so proud that I have something I want to stand up for-- finally.

And I've also come up with a... Novermber-Resolution? I need to be happier! The anger that suddenly came up everywhere is finally starting to go away-- mostly with all of this protest movement stuff, as Ive been doing more, and in other areas-- and Im starting to see the good in people, in America, in the world, rather that all that was terrible.

Now THAT is a huge step for me. And I didn't even need any chocolate to help me see the light!
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

(no subject)

I volunteered today for the Obama campaiiiiggnnnn.

I called people in New Hampshire and tried to see what they were thinking about the election. A lot of people weren't home-- some were just nasty-- but a few people were really interested in what we had to say and were totally open to hearing about Senator Obama's plans. I think I actually got one undecided man to cast a vote for Obama, so I'm verrrryyy happy :P

And one woman DID vote for him! Already! It's really encouraging and gives me hope, really, that this thing is really possible. Even just knowing that her one vote is already there, it makes me feel a little more confident.

Then again, there were two idiots who said they werent going to vote at all. Uh, honestly? Im seventeen. I want to vote SO badly, and here you are wasting your chance? You both whined about being "sick of the government" and "wanting change," yet you refuse to vote? Nice. That's really intelligent.

But on the whole, it was great. I was getting so angry and, well, kind of hostile towards republicans, and I was really getting upset because I felt like I couldn't make a difference, and this election is something I've become incredibly, incredibly passionate about. Even though there were a lot of hang-ups and far too many nasty old ladies, I really feel like I'm helping make a difference. It was so great. And they fed me really tasty grapes and told jokes from fourth grade while we all ate pizza. It was so fantastic, I was a lameass and almost started crying when I was telling one man on the phone why I love and believe in Barack Obama so completely. It was amazing. I can't wait until next Tuesdaayyyy!
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

(no subject)

My guidance counselor has just told me that even if I got into all the schools I'm applying to, I would not be able to afford or attend a single one.

Thank you, thank you SO much.

I don't know why I'm even bothering.
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

(no subject)

 Last night was amazing. Its times like that that I don't ever want to forget. It was simple and lame, sure, and probably not all that special, but it was perfect. And NO, it didn't involve a boy. You all know me by now.

Anyway, I just went to dinner with two of my friends-- Megan and Kathleen. They're twins and pretty much the funniest people I have ever met in my life. I adore those two so, so much, and we've been really close friends since I was in middle school. I don't get to see them too much because they're really into sports during the school year and my school is busy kicking my ass, but once the summer cocmes around, we all hang out with each other a lot.

Going to this hole-in-the-wall diner is our thing. I dunno how it happened, but we just got into a routine. We go to the shiny diner on main street (no one actually knows its real name, its just really, really shiny, so that's what we call it) and we always order the same thing-- chicken tenders and fries. I only get chicken with them, too, which is sort of weird, but whatever. All we ever do is sit there and talk and laugh and its just so much fun.

Then we went back to their house and watched Juno with their mom. I bought  chocolate-covered pretzels and Reese's Pieces and we pigged out even more and we all cracked up, even though I've seen the movie three or four times.

It was a usual Megan-Molly-Kathleen outing, really. The last time I introduced them to 10 Things I Hate About You, which they had NEVER SEEN. But I was thinking about it today, and this is the sort of thing I'll miss. I wont miss those occassions that are out of the ordinary or a one-time thing. I'll miss going to the diner and talking about books and old people with Megan and Kathleen. They're two of my best, best friends. I love them.

Anyway, I've been itching for Alias lately. Well, lately meaning since last night, because J-Garn never ceases to make me want to MARRY her. I am a heterosexual girl, yes, and she is married to Ben Affleck, but I would marry her in a SECOND. I don't know if that's weird, but I don't care, either :P J-Garn = INCREDIBLE, in my book. She's just... adorable!

Im also craving hot men. Well, I mean, that went without saying, but its been a long time without my TV shows. Prison Break ended about thirteen and a half years ago, or something, and this season of House was an absolute joke with that whole "LETS CUT CHASE OUT" thing. Alias, too, has been gone for two years now, and that show was a breeding ground for hot men. David, Bradley, Michael, Justin, guhhhhhhh. Every boy on that show was hella hot, I think. NO WONDER IT WAS SO GOOD. 

... I cant believe I just said 'hella hot.' Whatever. The point is I'm missing hot men. Particularly Wentworth, David, and Robert. 

Tomorrow I start my hell-hole summer camp where I'll be volunteering to watch horrible demon kids with behavior and attention problems. I don't know WHY, but parents of kids with really severe learning/social disabilities seem to think THEATRE camp is the best place for their child. Um, no. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but you're idiots. I'M the one that has to keep your kid quiet backstage and focused on blocking and AWAY FROM THE LAWNMOWERS THEY THINK ARE GOING TO COME AFTER THEM AND KILL THEM. Every year theres... five or so. I'm hoping against all hope that this year won't be as bad, even though I'll be without my partner-in-crime, Jennie. Oh well. Im lame and excited I dont need to make lunch for myself every day.

...The end. This was long. I've come to realize that I make long and pointless LJ entries. I need to update with substance every once in a while!

PS: FLOOERS? Donde? This "yay, restarting!" thing wont work without activity, you know :P
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

isolation

I'm majorly bumming today. Majorly.

Lately Ive just felt like I've worked myself into a hole. Like Ive made so many mistakes, too many to handle right now. I'm in a corner and that's my own fault. I trusted people when I shouldn't have, I overreacted when I shouldn't have, I was mean and selfish when I thought that wasn't what I was doing. I realize that by trying to spare so many people's feelings sometimes, I just made it worse. I have to learn to be more honest and figure out what I want- not try to do what I think will make someone else happy or something that will calm things down.

Its not my job to calm things down. Its my job to do what I want. I can't continue to let myself bend and fit into what other people want or what they expect. 

Ive thrown away things I miss. I lost my best friend back in eighth grade because I thought I was right. How pathetic is that? We got in a fight and I refused to do anything proactive about it because I thought I was right. I'll always regret that and I'll always miss her, but I think four years is too long to change anything now.

I tried too hard to fit in. Freshman year, I had what I thought was a great gropu of friends. One of them, however, completely ruined my life for a good six months or so. I let it happen. I didn't fight back or stand up for myself or tell her she was PSYCHO. I let her sit me down and I let her say, "I'm not doing this to follow her, I'm doing this because this is what I want to do," like that was supposed to make me feel better. I hate that I still havent told her exactly how I think about her and I hate that she thinks she's perfect. I hate myself for letting her walk all over me, take THEM all over me. I was too preoccupied with trying to keep the peace and went about standing up for myself in the wrong way.

... But she's really ugly and looked grotesque at prom. Im a horrible person but that made me SO much happier.

And I mean, even online. I look back and realize how much I missed out on. I miss some people so much and I kick myself over opportunities I missed because I got too focused or wrapped up in something. I mean, some of it was great, like with Carrie- we'll always be close, I think, but I still wish I got into things more. I wish I was just MYSELF and I wish I still had some of my old friends back. Sure, I was hurt by some of them, but I did hurting as well. I am not part of a group or a pair- I am me. I can decide for myself who i want to be friends with, who I want to forgive, and what I want to do. I need to stop thinking that I'm not.

So I need to stop being too proud. I need to be prouder. I need to stop trying to be what people expect or what I think they want. I just need to be myself and be honest. Im going to try to mend bridge (slowly, because I'm a wuss) and really try to be honest with myself and everyone else.

Im sorry for the major wankfest! And Im leaving this public. Maybe some people will see it and help things along the way.
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

(no subject)

 
Death.
 
Obviously I’m thinking a lot about it today, and I’ve decided that the most horrible thing about it, really, is people that pass it off as nothing. People who care more about themselves than someone who has just passed away, regardless of relation or personal feeling.
 
Someone, you know, who just may have a baby daughter left without a father.
 
I think its absolutely ridiculous and disgusting that people can be so selfish as to think of themselves, or petty misfortunes a death has caused them. Whether it was a celebrity death or not, where the hell do you get off? There is still a father who is dead, a brilliant actor who is dead, a son dead, a brother dead. No one has any right to mock something so serious, so tragic- not anyone. It doesn’t matter if you don’t personally care about the individual in general, at least be mature enough and respectable enough to not pass off a death as something “stupid” or “not important.” It was important, it is important.
 
That being said, I am a fan of Heath Ledger. Actually, I respect him quite a bit. On skill alone, I think he was an absolutely brilliant actor. He was dedicated and inspiring and good at what he did, and I think he was one of those rare people that really loved to do what they did. For young actors, he was absolutely someone to look up to, personal problems aside.
 
He’s someone I really do admire and respect. He’s someone I’m happy to possibly be grouped with someday, someone I’m proud to say I look up to. I don’t care about the critics, I don’t care about those idiotic people who don’t give a shite, or who think his death was stupid.
 
In the end, he was a great man. He was a father and a son and a brother and an incredible actor who really had passion for what he did.
 
So rest in peace, Heath. You will be missed.
 
That’s really all I can say. I’m still in shock. I wish it wasn’t so generic, but I cant even begin to really comprehend. 


"I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future."
          -- Heath Ledger
Milk and Scotttiiieeee

(no subject)

Anyone here skilled with S2 layouts? Im good with S1, but theres this on S2 layout I really like. Problem is, you've got to upload the style sheet or something, and Im totally lost.